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| |notes= | | |notes= |
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|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. Well, these parasites will fight for the rights of
| |
| property as they would fight for their own skins. Can you get a
| |
| Labor member into Parliament in the places where they are in a
| |
| majority? No: there is no class war: the working class is
| |
| hopelessly divided against itself. But I will tell you what there
| |
| is. There is the gulf between Dexy's view of the world and mine.
| |
| There is the eternal war between those who are in the world for
| |
| what they can get out of it and those who are in the world to make
| |
| it a better place for everybody to live in.
| |
|
| |
| SIR DEXTER ''[rising]'' I will not sit here listening to this
| |
| disgusting ungentlemanly nonsense. Chavender: the coalition is
| |
| dissolved. I resign. I shall take with me three quarters of the
| |
| Cabinet. I shall expose the shamelessly corrupt motives of those
| |
| who have supported you here today. Basham: you will get the sack
| |
| the day after the King sends for me. Domesday: you have gone gaga:
| |
| go home to bed and drivel where your dotage can do no harm. Rosy:
| |
| you are a damned fool; and you ought to know it by this time.
| |
| Pandranath: you are only a silly nigger pretending to be an English
| |
| gentleman: you are found out. Good afternoon, gentlemen.
| |
|
| |
| He goes out, leaving an atmosphere of awe behind him, in which the
| |
| Indian is choking with indignation, and for the moment inarticulate.
| |
|
| |
| SIR BEMROSE. This is awful. We cannot do without him.
| |
|
| |
| SIR JAFNA ''[finding his tongue]'' I am despised. I am called nigger
| |
| by this dirty faced barbarian whose forefathers were naked savages
| |
| worshipping acorns and mistletoe in the woods whilst my people were
| |
| spreading the highest enlightenment yet reached by the human race
| |
| from the temples of Brahma the thousandfold who is all the gods in
| |
| one. This primitive savage dares to accuse me of imitating him:
| |
| me, with the blood in my veins of conquerors who have swept through
| |
| continents vaster than a million dogholes like this island of
| |
| yours. They founded a civilization compared to which your little
| |
| kingdom is no better than a concentration camp. What you have of
| |
| religion came from the east; yet no Hindu, no Parsee, no Jain,
| |
| would stoop to its crudities. Is there a mirror here? Look at
| |
| your faces and look at the faces of my people in Ceylon, the cradle
| |
| of the human race. There you see Man as he came from the hand of
| |
| God, who has left on every feature the unmistakeable stamp of the
| |
| great original creative artist. There you see Woman with eyes in
| |
| her head that mirror the universe instead of little peepholes
| |
| filled with faded pebbles. Set those features, those eyes, those
| |
| burning colors beside the miserable smudged lumps of half baked
| |
| dough, the cheap commercial copies of a far away gallery of
| |
| masterpieces that you call western humanity, and tell me, if you
| |
| dare, that you are the original and I the imitation. Do you not
| |
| fear the lightning? the earthquake? the vengeance of Vishnu? You
| |
| call me nigger, sneering at my color because you have none. The
| |
| jackdaw has lost his tail and would persuade the world that his
| |
| defect is a quality. You have all cringed to me, not for my
| |
| greater nearness to God, but for my money and my power of making
| |
| money and ever more money. But today your hatred, your envy, your
| |
| insolence has betrayed itself. I am nigger. I am bad imitation of
| |
| that eater of unclean foods, never sufficiently washed in his
| |
| person or his garments, a British islander. I will no longer bear
| |
| it. The veil of your hypocrisy is rent by your own mouths: I
| |
| should dishonor my country and my race by remaining here where both
| |
| have been insulted. Until now I have supported the connection
| |
| between India and England because I knew that in the course of
| |
| nature and by the justice of Brahma it must end in India ruling
| |
| England just as I, by my wealth and my brains, govern this roomful
| |
| of needy imbeciles. But I now cast you off. I return to India to
| |
| detach it wholly from England, and leave you to perish in your
| |
| ignorance, your vain conceit, and your abominable manners. Good
| |
| morning, gentlemen. To hell with the lot of you. ''[He goes out and
| |
| slams the door]''.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. That one word nigger will cost us India. How could
| |
| Dexy be such a fool as to let it slip!
| |
|
| |
| SIR BEMROSE ''[very serious—rising solemnly]'' Arthur: I feel I
| |
| cannot overlook a speech like that. After all, we are white men.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. You are not, Rosy, I assure you. You are walnut color,
| |
| with a touch of claret on the nose. Glenmorison is the color of
| |
| his native oatmeal: not a touch of white on him. The fairest man
| |
| present is the Duke. He's as yellow as a Malayan headhunter. The
| |
| Chinese call us Pinks. They flatter us.
| |
|
| |
| SIR BEMROSE. I must tell you, Arthur, that frivolity on a vital
| |
| point like this is in very bad taste. And you know very well that
| |
| the country cannot do without Dexy. Dexy was at school with me
| |
| before I went to Dartmouth. To desert him would be for me not only
| |
| an act of political bad faith but of personal bad feeling. I must
| |
| go and see him at once. ''[He goes very sadly to the door]''.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. Make my apologies to Sir Jafna if you overtake him.
| |
| How are we to hold the empire together if we insult a man who
| |
| represents nearly seventy per cent of its population?
| |
|
| |
| SIR BEMROSE. I dont agree with you, Arthur. It is for Pandy to
| |
| apologize. Dexy really shares the premiership with you; and if a
| |
| Conservative Prime Minister of England may not take down a heathen
| |
| native when he forgets himself there is an end of British
| |
| supremacy.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. For Heaven's sake dont call him a native. You are a
| |
| native.
| |
|
| |
| SIR BEMROSE ''[very solemnly]'' Of Kent, Arthur: of Kent. Not of
| |
| Ceylon. ''[He goes out]''.
| |
|
| |
| GLENMORISON. I think I'd better clear out too. I can make
| |
| allowances for Sir Dexter: he is an Englishman, and has not been
| |
| trained to use his mind like us in Scotland. But that is just what
| |
| gives him such a hold on the Country. We must face it: he's
| |
| indispensable. I'll just go and assure him that we have no
| |
| intention of breaking with him. Ta ta. Good morning, Duke.
| |
| ''[He goes out]''.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR ''[rising and strolling round to the other side of the
| |
| table like a cleaned-out gambler]'' That finishes me, I'm afraid.
| |
|
| |
| He throws himself into the middle chair. Basham rises moodily and
| |
| goes to the window to contemplate the street. The Duke comes
| |
| sympathetically to Sir Arthur and sits down beside him.
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE. Oh Arthur, my dear Arthur, why didnt you play golf on
| |
| your holiday instead of thinking? Didnt you know that English
| |
| politics wont bear thinking about? Didnt you know that as a nation
| |
| we have lost the trick of thinking? Hadnt you noticed that though
| |
| in our great British Constitution there is a department for
| |
| everything else in the world almost—for agriculture and health and
| |
| fisheries, for home affairs and foreign affairs and education, for
| |
| the exchequer and the Treasury and even the Chiltern Hundreds and
| |
| the Duchy of Lancaster—we have no department for thinking? The
| |
| Russians have a special Cabinet for it; and it has knocked the
| |
| whole place to pieces. Where should you and I be in Russia today?
| |
| ''[He resumes his seat with a hopeless shrug]''.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. In our proper place, the dustbin. Yet they got their
| |
| ideas from us. Karl Marx thought it all out in Bloomsbury. Lenin
| |
| learnt his lesson in Holford Square, Islington. Why can we never
| |
| think out anything, nor learn any lessons? I see what has to be
| |
| done now; but I dont feel that I am the man to do it.
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE. Of course not. Not a gentleman's job.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. It might be a duke's job, though. Why not have a try
| |
| at it?
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE. For three reasons, Arthur. First, I'm not built that
| |
| way. Second, I'm so accustomed as a duke to be treated with the
| |
| utmost deference that I simply dont know how to assert myself and
| |
| bully people. Third, I'm so horribly hard up for pocket money
| |
| without knowing how to do without it that Ive lost all my self-
| |
| respect. This job needs a man with nothing to lose, plenty of hard
| |
| driving courage, and a complete incapacity for seeing any side of a
| |
| question but his own. A mere hereditary duke would be no use.
| |
| When Domesday Towers is sold to an American I shall have no family
| |
| seat left, and must fall back on my political seat, which is at
| |
| present on the fence. From that eminence I shall encourage the
| |
| dictator when he arrives as far as I can without committing myself
| |
| dangerously. Sorry I can be of no use to you, my dear Arthur.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. What about you, Basham? You are a man of action.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. I have a jolly good mind to go to the King and make him
| |
| take the bit between his teeth and arrest the lot of you.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. Do, Basham, do. You couldnt make a worse hash of
| |
| things than we have.
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE. Theres nothing to prevent you. Look at Kemal Pasha!
| |
| Look at Mussolini! Look at Hitler! Look at De Valera! Look at
| |
| Franklin Roosevelt!
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. If only I had ambition enough I'd think very seriously
| |
| over it. As it is, I'll go back quietly to Scotland Yard. ''[He is
| |
| going out when he is confronted in the doorway by Hipney]'' Hallo!
| |
| What the devil are you doing here?
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. I am afraid you are late, Mr Hipney. The deputation
| |
| has been here. They have all gone.
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY ''[seating himself beside Sir Arthur with his usual calm]'' I
| |
| came with them, Srarthur. I been listening on the quiet as
| |
| you might say. I just came in to tell you not to mind that
| |
| parliamentary lot. Theyre all the same, west end or east end,
| |
| parkside or riverside. Theyll never do anything. They dont want
| |
| to do anything.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM ''[sitting down again in Hilda's chair]'' Hipney: I may as well
| |
| tell you that I have had my eye on you for some time. Take care I
| |
| have no objection to your calling yourself a revolutionary
| |
| Socialist: they all do that. But I suspect you of really meaning
| |
| business.
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY. I do, Sir Broadfoot: I do. And if Srarthur means
| |
| business, then let him come out of Parliament and keep out. It
| |
| will take the life out of him and leave him a walking talking shell
| |
| of a man with nothing inside. The only man that ever had a proper
| |
| understanding of Parliament was old Guy Fawkes.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. But even if he had blown that Parliament up, they
| |
| would just have elected another.
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY. Yes; but it was a sort of gesture as you might say.
| |
| Symbolic, I call it. Mark my words: some day there will be a
| |
| statue to old Guy in Westminster on the site of the present House
| |
| of Commons.
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE. Democracy, Arthur, democracy. This is what it ends in.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR ''[introducing]'' His Grace the Duke of Domesday, Mr
| |
| Hipney.
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY. Bless you, I know his Grace. About town, as you might
| |
| say, though weve never been introduced.
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE. Very much honored, Mr Hipney.
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY. No great honor, your Grace. But old Hipney can tell you
| |
| something about Democracy at first hand. Democracy was a great
| |
| thing when I was young and we had no votes. We talked about public
| |
| opinion and what the British people would stand and what they
| |
| wouldnt stand. And it had weight, I tell you, sir: it held
| |
| Governments in check: it frightened the stoutest of the tyrants and
| |
| the bosses and the police: it brought a real reverence into the
| |
| voices of great orators like Bright and Gladstone. But that was
| |
| when it was a dream and a vision, a hope and a faith and a promise.
| |
| It lasted until they dragged it down to earth, as you might say,
| |
| and made it a reality by giving everybody votes. The moment they
| |
| gave the working men votes they found that theyd stand anything.
| |
| They gave votes to the women and found they were worse than the
| |
| men; for men would vote for men—the wrong men, but men all the
| |
| same—but the women wouldnt even vote for women. Since then
| |
| politics have been a laughing stock. Parliamentary leaders say one
| |
| thing on Monday and just the opposite on Wednesday; and nobody
| |
| notices any difference. They put down the people in Egypt, in
| |
| Ireland, and in India with fire and sword, with floggings and
| |
| hangings, burning the houses over their heads and bombing their
| |
| little stores for the winter out of existence; and at the next
| |
| election theyd be sent back to Parliament by working class
| |
| constituencies as if they were plaster saints, while men and women
| |
| like me, that had spent their lives in the service of the people,
| |
| were booted out at the polls like convicted criminals. It wasnt
| |
| that the poor silly sheep did it on purpose. They didnt notice:
| |
| they didnt remember: they couldnt understand: they were taken in by
| |
| any nonsense they heard at the meetings or read in the morning
| |
| paper. You could stampede them by crying out that the Russians
| |
| were coming, or rally them by promising them to hang the Kaiser, or
| |
| Lord knows what silliness that shouldnt have imposed on a child of
| |
| four. That was the end of democracy for me; though there was no
| |
| man alive that had hoped as much from it, nor spoke deeper from his
| |
| heart about all the good things that would happen when the people
| |
| came to their own and had votes like the gentry. Adult suffrage:
| |
| that was what was to save us all. My God! It delivered us into
| |
| the hands of our spoilers and oppressors, bound hand and foot by
| |
| our own folly and ignorance. It took the heart out of old Hipney;
| |
| and now I'm for any Napoleon or Mussolini or Lenin or Chavender
| |
| that has the stuff in him to take both the people and the spoilers
| |
| and oppressors by the scruffs of their silly necks and just sling
| |
| them into the way they should go with as many kicks as may be
| |
| needful to make a thorough job of it.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. A dictator: eh? Thats what you want.
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY. Better one dictator standing up responsible before the
| |
| world for the good and evil he does than a dirty little dictator in
| |
| every street responsible to nobody, to turn you out of your house
| |
| if you dont pay him for the right to exist on the earth, or to fire
| |
| you out of your job if you stand up to him as a man and an equal.
| |
| You cant frighten me with a word like dictator. Me and my like has
| |
| been dictated to all our lives by swine that have nothing but a
| |
| snout for money, and think the world is coming to an end if anybody
| |
| but themselves is given the power to do anything.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. Steady, Mr Hipney, steady! Dont empty the baby out
| |
| with the bath. If the people are to have no voice in the
| |
| government and no choice of who is to govern them, it will be bad
| |
| for the people.
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY. Let em have a voice. Let em have a choice. Theyve
| |
| neither at present. But let it be a voice to squeal with when
| |
| theyre hurt, and not to pretend they know more than God Almighty
| |
| does. Give em a choice between qualified men: there's always more
| |
| than one pebble on the beach; but let them be qualified men and not
| |
| windbags and movie stars and soldiers and rich swankers and lawyers
| |
| on the make. How are they to tell the difference between any cheap
| |
| Jack and Solomon or Moses? The Jews didnt elect Moses: he just
| |
| told them what to do and they did it. Look at the way they went
| |
| wrong the minute his back was turned! If you want to be a leader
| |
| of the people, Srarthur, youve got to elect yourself by giving us a
| |
| lead. Old Hipney will follow anyone that will give him a good
| |
| lead; and to blazes with your elections and your Constitution and
| |
| your Democracy and all the rest of it!
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE. The police wont let him, Mr Hipney.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM ''[rising and planting himself between Hipney and Sir Arthur]''
| |
| Ha ha ha! Dont be too sure of that. I might come down on your
| |
| side, Arthur, if I spotted you as a winner. Meanwhile, Hipney, I
| |
| have my eye on you as a dangerous character.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. And on me?
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. You dont matter: he does. If the proletariat comes to the
| |
| top things will be more comfortable for Hipney; but they wont be
| |
| more comfortable for you. His heart is in the revolution: you have
| |
| only your head in it. Your wife wouldnt like it: his would, if he
| |
| has one.
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY. Not me. I'm under no woman's thumb. She's dead; and the
| |
| children are grown up and off my hands. I'm free at last to put my
| |
| neck in a noose if I like.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. I wonder should I find any bombs in your house if I
| |
| searched it.
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY. You would if you put them there first, Sir Broadfoot.
| |
| What good would a police chief be if he couldnt find anything he
| |
| wanted to find?
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. Thats a suggestion, Hipney, certainly. Isnt it rather
| |
| rash of you to put it into my head?
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY. There's plenty to put it into your head if I didnt. You
| |
| could do it if you liked; and you know it, Sir Broadfoot. But
| |
| perhaps your conscience wouldnt let you.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. Perhaps.
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY ''[rising with a chuckle]'' Aha! ''[Impressively]'' You take it
| |
| from me, you three gentlemen: all this country or any country has
| |
| to stand between it and blue hell is the consciences of them that
| |
| are capable of governing it.
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE ''[rising]'' Mr Hipney: I find myself in complete agreement
| |
| with you. Will you lunch with me at the Carlton?
| |
|
| |
| HIPNEY. No: them big clubs is too promiscuous for the like of you
| |
| and me. You come and lunch with me: I know a nice little place
| |
| where the cooking's good and the company really select. You wont
| |
| regret it: come along. Morning, Srarthur. Morning, Boss. ''[He
| |
| goes out, greatly pleased]''.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR AND BASHAM ''[simultaneously]'' Morning. Morning.
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE. You would never have got rid of him, Arthur, if I hadnt
| |
| made that move. Goodbye. Goodbye, Sir Broadfoot. ''[He goes to the
| |
| door]'' Basham, Goodbye. I wish you joy of your host.
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE. You dont appreciate him. He is absolutely unique.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. In what way, pray?
| |
|
| |
| THE DUKE. He is the only politician I ever met who had learnt
| |
| anything from experience ''[he goes out]''.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM ''[making for the door]'' Well, I must be off to the Yard. The
| |
| unemployed are going to have a general election to amuse them. I
| |
| suppose youll be off to your constituency right away.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR ''[rising]'' No. I am not going to stand.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM ''[returning to him in amazement]'' Not stand! What do you
| |
| mean? You cant chalk up a program like that and then run away.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. I am through with parliament. It has wasted enough of
| |
| my life.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. Dont tell me you are going to take your politics into the
| |
| street. You will only get your head broken.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. Never fear: your fellows wont break my head: they have
| |
| too much respect for an ex-Prime Minister. But I am not going into
| |
| the streets. I am not a man of action, only a talker. Until the
| |
| men of action clear out the talkers we who have social consciences
| |
| are at the mercy of those who have none; and that, as old Hipney
| |
| says, is blue hell. Can you find a better name for it?
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. Blackguardocracy. I should call it.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. Do you believe in it? I dont.
| |
|
| |
| BASHAM. It works all right up to a point. Dont run your head
| |
| against it until the men of action get you past that point. Bye
| |
| bye.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. Bye bye. I wont.
| |
|
| |
| Basham goes out through the main door. Sir Arthur drops into his
| |
| chair again and looks rather sick, with his elbows on his knees and
| |
| his temples on his fists. Barking and Miss Brollikins break into
| |
| the room simultaneously by the private door, struggling for
| |
| precedence, Sir Arthur straightens up wearily.
| |
|
| |
| BARKING. I was here first. You get out and wait for your turn.
| |
|
| |
| ALOYSIA. Ladies first, if you please. Sir Arthur—
| |
|
| |
| BARKING ''[barring her way with an arm of iron]'' Ladies be damned!
| |
| youre no lady. ''[He comes past the table to Sir Arthur's right]''.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR: I have proposed for the hand of your daughter Flavia;
| |
| and all I can get out of her is that she is not a gold digger, and
| |
| wouldnt be seen at a wedding with a lousy viscount. She wants to
| |
| marry a poor man. I said I'd go over her head straight to you.
| |
| You cant let her miss so good a match. Exert your authority. Make
| |
| her marry me.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. Certainly. I'll order her to marry you if you think
| |
| that will get you any further. Go and tell her so, like a good
| |
| boy. I'm busy.
| |
|
| |
| BARKING. Righto! ''[He dashes out through the masked door]''.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. Sit down, Miss Brollikins. ''[She comes round to
| |
| Hipney's chair; and Sir Arthur takes the Duke's chair]''. Have you
| |
| consulted David?
| |
|
| |
| ALOYSIA ''[sitting down rather forlornly]'' Of course I have. But
| |
| he's obstinate. He wont look at it the right way.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. Did he object? He should have jumped at it.
| |
|
| |
| ALOYSIA. Its very nice of you to say so if you really mean it, Sir
| |
| Arthur. But he has no sense. He objects to my name. He says it's
| |
| ridiculous.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. But your marriage will change it.
| |
|
| |
| ALOYSIA. Yes; but he says it would be in The Times in the births
| |
| marriages and deaths: Chavender and Brollikins. My name's not good
| |
| enough for him. You should have heard what he said about it.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. I hope he did not use the adjective his sister applied
| |
| to poor young Barking's title.
| |
|
| |
| ALOYSIA. Yes he did. The language you West End people use! I'm
| |
| sure I dont know where you pick it up.
| |
|
| |
| SIR ARTHUR. It doesnt mean anything, Miss Brollikins. You mustnt
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| mind.
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| ALOYSIA. Would you mind calling me Aloysia, Sir Arthur? You can
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| call me Brolly if you like; but I prefer Aloysia.
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| SIR ARTHUR. Certainly, Aloysia.
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| ALOYSIA. Thank you. I wish I could get rid of Brollikins. I'd | | ALOYSIA. Thank you. I wish I could get rid of Brollikins. I'd |
ALOYSIA. Thank you. I wish I could get rid of Brollikins. I'd
never stoop to be ashamed of my name; but I cant deny there's
something funny about it. I'm not to blame for that, am I?
SIR ARTHUR. But you can get rid of it quite easily. You can take a
new name: any name you like, by deed poll. It costs only ten
pounds; and David would have to pay it if it was on his account you
changed. What about Bolingbroke [he pronounces it Bullingbrook]?
Bolingbroke would be rather a nice name for The Times; and you
wouldnt have to change your initials. No bother about your clothes
at the laundry, for instance.
ALOYSIA. Thank you, Sir Arthur: thats a practical suggestion. At
any rate it will shut David up if he talks about my name again.
SIR ARTHUR. Well, now you can run off and marry him.
ALOYSIA. But thats not all, Sir Arthur. He's such a queer boy.
He says he's never loved anyone but his sister, and that he hates
his mother.
SIR ARTHUR. He had no right to tell you that he hates his mother,
because as a matter of fact he doesnt. Young people nowadays read
books about psycho-analysis and get their heads filled with
nonsense.
ALOYSIA. Of course I know all about psycho-analysis. I explained
to him that he was in love with his mother and was jealous of you.
The Edipus complex, you know.
SIR ARTHUR. And what did he say to that?
ALOYSIA. He told me to go to Jericho. But I shall teach him
manners.
SIR ARTHUR. Do, Aloysia. Did he make any further objection?
ALOYSIA. Well, he says his people couldnt stand my relatives.
SIR ARTHUR. Tut! the young snob! Still, snobbery is a very real
thing: he made a point there, Aloysia. How did you meet it?
ALOYSIA. I said my people couldnt stand his relatives; and no more
they could. I said I wasnt asking him to marry my relatives; nor
was I proposing to marry his.
SIR ARTHUR. And what did he say to that?
ALOYSIA. He told me to go to hell. He's like that, you know.
SIR ARTHUR. Yes, a hasty boy.
ALOYSIA. He is, just that. But I shall cure him of it.
SIR ARTHUR [gravely] Take care, Aloysia. All young women begin by
believing they can change and reform the men they marry. They
cant. If you marry David he will remain David and nobody else til
death do you part. If he tells you to go to hell today instead of
trying to argue with you, he will do the same on the morning of
your silver wedding.
ALOYSIA [grimly] We shall see.
SIR ARTHUR. May I ask whether this match is your idea or David's?
So far I do not gather that he has expressed any strong feeling of—
of—shall I say devotion?—to you.
ALOYSIA. We have discussed all that.
SIR ARTHUR. Satisfactorily?
ALOYSIA. I suppose so. You see, Sir Arthur, I am not like David.
I am a reading thinking modern woman; and I know how to look at
these things objectively and scientifically. You know the way you
meet thousands of people and they mean nothing to you sexually: you
wouldnt touch one of them with a barge pole. Then all of a sudden
you pick out one, and feel sexy all over. If he's not nice you
feel ashamed of yourself and run away. But if he is nice you say
"Thats the man for me." You have had that experience yourself,
havnt you?
SIR ARTHUR. Quite. The moment I saw Lady Chavender I said "Thats
the woman for me."
ALOYSIA. Well, the moment I laid eyes on David I went all over
like that. You cant deny that he is a nice boy in spite of his
awful language. So I said—
SIR ARTHUR. "David's the man for me"?
ALOYSIA. No. I said "Evolution is telling me to marry this
youth." That feeling is the only guide I have to the evolutionary
appetite.
SIR ARTHUR. The what??
ALOYSIA. The evolutionary appetite. The thing that wants to
develop the race. If I marry David we shall develop the race. And
thats the great thing in marriage, isnt it?
SIR ARTHUR. My dear Aloysia, the evolutionary appetite may be a
guide to developing the race; but it doesnt care a rap for domestic
happiness. I have known the most remarkable children come of the
most dreadfully unsuitable and unhappy marriages.
ALOYSIA. We have to take our chance of that, Sir Arthur. Marriage
is a lottery. I think I can make David as happy as anybody ever is
in this—
SIR ARTHUR. In this wicked world. Ah yes. Well, I wont press
that.
ALOYSIA. I was about to say "in the capitalist phase of social
development." I dont talk like your grandmother, if you will
excuse me saying so.
SIR ARTHUR. I beg your pardon. I suppose I do. Have you
explained this evolutionary view of the situation to David?
ALOYSIA. Of course I have. I dont treat him as a child.
SIR ARTHUR. And what did he say?
ALOYSIA. He told me to go and—Oh, I really cannot repeat what he
told me to go and do. But you see how familiar we are together. I
couldnt bear his being distant with me. He talks just as if we
were married already.
SIR ARTHUR. Quite. But does he feel about you as you feel about
him? Has he picked you out from among the thousand ladies to whom
he is indifferent? To use your own expression, does he come all
over like that in your presence?
ALOYSIA. He does when I get hold of him. He needs educating in
these matters. I have to awaken David. But he's coming along
nicely.
SIR ARTHUR. Well, if it must be it must be. I shall not withhold
my blessing. That is all I can say. [He rises: she does the same
and prepares to go]. You see, Aloysia, the effete society in which
I move is based on the understanding that we shall speak and behave
in the manner in which we are expected to behave. We are hopeless
when this understanding is violated. We dont know what to say or
what to do. Well, you have violated it recklessly. What you have
said has been unexpected to the last possible degree—
ALOYSIA. It has been true.
SIR ARTHUR. That is the climax of unexpectedness in polite society.
Therefore I am at a loss. Apparently my son was not at a loss. He
knows how to deal with you: I do not. I must really refer you back
to him for further consideration and report.
They are about to shake hands when Lady Chavender comes in through
the masked door.
LADY CHAVENDER. Still here, Miss Brollikins! I thought you had
gone. [She comes past the table to Sir Arthur's right].
SIR ARTHUR. She wants to marry David, my dear.
LADY CHAVENDER [calmly] Very naturally. I think if I were in Miss
Brollikins' position I should want to marry David.
ALOYSIA. I know your class point of view, Lady Chavender. You
think it would be a big catch for me and a come-down for him.
LADY CHAVENDER. We both know that point of view, Miss Brollikins;
but it is you, not I, that have mentioned it. Wont you sit down?
[She sits down herself in the nearest chair].
ALOYSIA [murmurs] I was just going. [She resumes her seat].
Sir Arthur also sits.
LADY CHAVENDER. I daresay a match with you might be a very good
thing for David. You seem to have all the qualities in which he is
deficient. And he has been declaring for some months past that if
he ever marries he will marry a factory girl.
ALOYSIA. Well, I have been a factory girl. I started as a school
teacher; but when they cut my salary I went into the factory. I
organized the girls there, and became a trade union secretary.
Wherever I went I rose because I couldnt keep down. But I am
proletarian, bone and blood, if thats what David wants.
LADY CHAVENDER. Nobody is that in England, Miss Brollikins. We
have never had a noble caste: our younger sons have always been
commoners.
SIR ARTHUR. Yes, Aloysia: all British blood is blue.
ALOYSIA. Well, call it what you like. All I say is that I belong
to the common working people and am proud of it; and that is what
David wants, isnt it?
LADY CHAVENDER. What I said was that he wants to marry a factory
girl. But I do not know what his attitude will be when a factory
girl wants to marry him. Have you proposed to him?
SIR ARTHUR. Yes. He told her to go to hell.
LADY CHAVENDER. David has rather a habit of telling people to go
to hell when he is too lazy to think of anything better to say.
Miss Brollikins is a resolute and successful young woman. David is
an irresolute and unsuccessful young man. If she has made up her
mind to marry him she will probably succeed. She will have to
support him; but I daresay she can do that as easily as she can
support herself.
ALOYSIA. I shall expect him to work for his living.
LADY CHAVENDER. Marriage seldom fulfils all our expectations. You
dont know David yet.
ALOYSIA. I will find him a job and see that he does it. I will
interest him in it.
SIR ARTHUR. Splendid!
ALOYSIA [puzzled] But I cant make out you two. You havnt flared
up as I thought you might; but are you for me or against me?
LADY CHAVENDER. Miss Brollikins: I am sorry; but there are two
things that I cannot bring myself to take the smallest interest in:
parliamentary affairs and love affairs. They both bore me to
distraction.
ALOYSIA [to Sir Arthur] Well, dont you take an interest in David?
SIR ARTHUR. David is at the age at which young men have to break
loose from their fathers. They are very sensitive about being
interfered with at that age. He would regard my taking an interest
in him as parental tyranny. Therefore I am particularly careful
not to take any interest in him.
ALOYSIA [rising] Well, you preach at me because my conversation is
unexpected; but you two are the most unexpected lot I have ever
been up against. What am I to understand? Will you play fair and
let David take his own way?
SIR ARTHUR [rising] We will even let him take your way if he
wishes, Aloysia.
LADY CHAVENDER [rising] You may leave me out of the question, Miss
Brollikins. It is not my business, but my son's. I am neither his
enemy nor yours.
ALOYSIA [perplexed] But do you think I ought to marry him?
LADY CHAVENDER. Nobody ought to marry anybody, Aloysia. But they
do.
ALOYSIA. Well, thank you for calling me Aloysia, anyhow. It's
about all the satisfaction I have got here.
She is about to go when David breaks in obstreperously through the
masked door, and strides between the table and the window to
Aloysia's left.
DAVID. Look here, Aloysia. What are you up to here? If you think
you can get round me by getting round my parents, youre very much
mistaken. My parents dont care a damn what I do as long as I take
myself off their hands. And I wont be interfered with. Do you
hear? I wont be interfered with.
ALOYSIA. Your parents are too good for you, you uncivilized lout.
Youve put me right off it by talking that way in front of your
mother. If I was your mother I'd smack some manners into you.
DAVID [appalled and imploring] Aloysia! [He tries to take her in
his arms].
ALOYSIA. Take your dirty hands off me [she flings him off]. It's
off, I tell you, off. Goodbye all. [She storms out through the
main door].
DAVID [in loud lament to his mother] Youve ruined my whole life.
[He goes in pursuit, crying] Aloysia, Aloysia, wait a moment.
[With anguished intensity] Aloysia. [His cries recede in the
distance].
LADY CHAVENDER } [simultaneously] {He might do worse.
SIR ARTHUR } {He might do worse.
LADY CHAVENDER. I beg your pardon. What did you say?
SIR ARTHUR. I said he might do worse.
LADY CHAVENDER. That is what I said. David is overbred: he is so
fine-drawn that he is good for nothing; and he is not strong enough
physically. Our breed needs to be crossed with the gutter or the
soil once in every three or four generations. Uncle Theodore
married his cook on principle; and his wife was my favourite aunt.
Brollikins may give me goose flesh occasionally; but she wont bore
me as a lady daughter-in-law would. I shall be always wondering
what she will say or do next. If she were a lady I'd always know.
I am so tired of wellbred people, and party politics, and the
London season, and all the rest of it.
SIR ARTHUR. I sometimes think you are the only really revolutionary
revolutionist I have ever met.
LADY CHAVENDER. Oh, lots of us are like that. We were born into
good society; and we are through with it: we have no illusions
about it, even if we are fit for nothing better. I dont mind
Brollikins one bit.
SIR ARTHUR. What about Barking?
LADY CHAVENDER. I—
Barking enters through the masked door, jubilant. He comes between
the pair as they rise, and claps them both on the shoulders right
and left simultaneously. They flinch violently, and stare at him
in outraged amazement.
BARKING. Good news, old dears! It's all right about Flavia. We
may put up the banns. Hooray! [He rubs hands gleefully].
SIR ARTHUR. May I ask how you have got over her craze for marrying
a poor man?
BARKING. Oh, that was a girlish illusion. You see, she had a
glimpse today, at the unemployment meeting, of what poor men are
really like. They were awfully nice to her. That did the trick.
You see, what she craved for before was their rough manners, their
violence, their brutality and filthy language, their savage
treatment of their women folk. That was her ideal of a delightful
husband. She found today that the working man doesnt realize it.
I do. I am a real he-man. I called her the foulest names until
she gave in. She's a dear. We shall be perfectly happy. Good old
mother-in-law. [He kisses Lady Chavender, who is too astounded to
resist or speak]. Tootle loo, Chavender. [He slaps him on the
shoulder]. I am off to buy her a lot of presents. [He dashes out
through the main door].
SIR ARTHUR. So thats that.
LADY CHAVENDER. The brute! How dare he kiss me? [She rubs the
place with her handkerchief].
SIR ARTHUR. Do you realize that we two are free at last? Free,
dearest: think of that! No more children. Free to give up living
in a big house and to spend the remainder of our lives as we
please. A cottage near a good golf links seems to be indicated.
What would you like?
LADY CHAVENDER. But your political career? Are you really going to
give up that?
SIR ARTHUR. It has given me up, dearest. Arnt you glad?
LADY CHAVENDER. Arthur: I cant bear this.
SIR ARTHUR. Cant bear what?
LADY CHAVENDER. To see you discouraged. You have never been
discouraged before: you have always been so buoyant. If this new
departure is to do nothing for you but take away your courage and
high spirits and selfconfidence, then in Heaven's name go back to
your old way of life. I will put up with anything rather than see
you unhappy. That sort of unhappiness kills; and if you die I'll
die too. [She throws herself into a chair and hides her face on
the table].
SIR ARTHUR. Dont fuss, dearest: I'm not unhappy. I am enjoying
the enormous freedom of having found myself out and got myself off
my mind. That looks like despair; but it is really the beginning
of hope, and the end of hypocrisy. Do you think I didnt know, in
the days of my great speeches and my roaring popularity, that I
was only whitewashing the slums? I did it very well—I dont
care who hears me say so—and there is always a sort of artistic
satisfaction in doing a thing very well, whether it's getting a big
Bill through the House, or carrying a big meeting off its feet, or
winning a golf championship. It was all very jolly; and I'm still
a little proud of it. But even if I had not had you here to remind
me that it was all hot air, I couldnt help knowing as well as any
of those damned Socialists that though the West End of London was
chockful of money and nice people all calling one another by their
Christian names, the lives of the millions of people whose labor
was keeping the whole show going were not worth living. I knew it
quite well; but I was able to put it out of my mind because I
thought it couldnt be helped and I was doing the best that could be
done. I know better now: I know that it can be helped, and how it
can be helped. And rather than go back to the old whitewashing
job, I'd seize you tight round the waist and make a hole in the
river with you.
LADY CHAVENDER [rising] Then why, dearest love, dont you—
SIR ARTHUR. Why dont I lead a revolt against it all? Because I'm
not the man for the job, darling; and nobody knows that better than
you. And I shall hate the man who will carry it through for his
cruelty and the desolation he will bring on us and our like.
Shouting, as of an excited mob suddenly surging into the street;
and a sound of breaking glass and police whistling.
LADY CHAVENDER. What on earth is that?
Hilda comes from her office and runs to the window.
LADY CHAVENDER [joining her] What is going on, Hilda?
HILDA. The unemployed have broken into Downing Street; and theyre
breaking the windows of the Colonial Office. They think this side
is only private houses.
SIR ARTHUR [going to see] Yes: they always break the wrong
windows, poor devils!
HILDA. Oh! here come the mounted police.
SIR ARTHUR. Theyve splendid horses, those fellows.
HILDA. The people are all running away. And they cant get out:
theyre in a cul-de-sac. Oh, why dont they make a stand, the
cowards?
LADY CHAVENDER. Indeed I hope they wont. What are you thinking
of, Hilda?
SIR ARTHUR. Men are like that, Hilda. They always run away when
they have no discipline and no leader.
HILDA. Well, but cant the police let them run away without
breaking their heads? Oh look: that policeman has just clubbed a
quite old man.
SIR ARTHUR. Come away: it's not a nice sight. [He draws her away,
placing himself between her and the window].
HILDA. It's all right when you only read about it in the papers;
but when you actually see it you want to throw stones at the
police.
Defiant singing through the tumult.
LADY CHAVENDER [looking out] Someone has opened the side gate and
let them through into the Horse Guards Parade. They are trying to
sing.
SIR ARTHUR. What are they singing? The Red Flag?
LADY CHAVENDER. No. I dont know the tune. I caught the first two
words. "England, arise."
HILDA [suddenly hysterical] Oh, my God! I will go out and join
them [she rushes out through the main door].
LADY CHAVENDER. Hilda! Hilda!
SIR ARTHUR. Never mind, dear: the police all know her: she'll come
to no harm. She'll be back for tea. But what she felt just now
other girls and boys may feel tomorrow. And just suppose—!
LADY CHAVENDER. What?
SIR ARTHUR. Suppose England really did arise!
- Unemployed England, however, can do nothing but continue to sing, as best it can to a percussion accompaniment of baton thwacks, Edward Carpenter's verses:
- England, arise! the long, long night is over,
- Faint in the east, behold the dawn appear;
- Out of your evil dream of toil and sorrow—
- Arise, O England, for the day is here;
- From your fields and hills,
- Hark! the answer swells—
- Arise, O England, for the day is here!