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Page:Woolf - To the Lighthouse.djvu/118

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close to his side (as she did now). As they turned by the cross roads he thought what an appalling experience he had been through, and he must tell some one — Mrs Ramsay of course, for it took his breath away to think what he had been and done. It had been far and away the worst moment of his life when he asked Minta to marry him. He would go straight to Mrs Ramsay, because he felt somehow that she was the person who had made him do it. She had made him think he could do anything. Nobody else took him seriously. But she made him believe that he could do whatever he wanted. He had felt her eyes on him all day today, following him about (though she never said a word) as if she were saying, “Yes, you can do it. I believe in you. I expect it of you.” She had made him feel all that, and directly they got back (he looked for the lights of the house above the bay) he would go to her and say, “I’ve done it, Mrs Ramsay; thanks to you.” And so turning into the lane that led to the house he could see lights moving about in the upper windows. They must be awfully late then. People were getting ready for dinner. The house was all lit up, and the lights after the darkness made his eyes feel full, and he said to himself, childishly, as he walked up the drive, Lights, lights, lights, and repeated in a dazed way, Lights, lights,